Tag: Pregnancy

Lake Life Half A Year In

Today marks Lake having been with us for 6 months now!

‘Time flies by ever so slowly,’ as they say 😉Actually I’m not sure if ‘they’ say it or if I have simply wrote it before 🤪

It is a little wild to think that we’ve been parents for half a year already but when I think of the day by day passing of time, it hasn’t felt THAT crazy quick.

Something that brings true awareness of how far Lake has come, is his newly arrived cousin who joined the family on March 9th. She in all her newborn ‘6 pounds and a bit’ littleness and he in his ’20 pounds and some’ largeness, make his advancements in size VERY apparent  😜

He has begun eating some solid foods… though I’m not sure why they called pureed carrots, mashed avocado and baby cereal ‘solids’ but whatever 🥴 He has enjoyed it all thus far and it seems to be helping stretch the hungry spells, just a smidgen longer 😅

Rolling from back to belly is no problem whatsoever but rolling the reverse way, though possible, is not as enjoyed. Pushing himself up with his arms has just begun to happen and sitting unassisted is an option, though a blanket nest built around him is still necessary for when an out of reach toy, or sneeze, causes the balance once had, to be lost 😜

Three naps a day are taken without too much fuss (naps with mommy are still the best though 😉) but the nights of 10 hour sleep stretches are no longer and I think we’ve only had two solid nights, in the last month or so. The 8 am wake up has been replaced by 6:00-7:00 and easily falling asleep at bedtime without a paci has now turned into waking up crying anytime the paci vacates the mouth 😬 He sleeps with a floppy bunny from his great grandma in Holland and hates if his feet are covered with the blankets.

Drool soaks the bibs or clothes rather rapidly and chewing on anything, or anyone, is considered an enjoyable passtime but no signs of the impending teeth yet.

He has begun to reach out his arms to get held and is very ticklish all over.

Blowing/spitting bubbles (with a fair bit of force) is an extra fun way to communicate, along with the usual screeches and coo’s.

Aside from a one recent hour long episode of great discontentment (crying/screaming) in the truck, he typically doesn’t mind the vehicle too much and is now out of the baby carrier and into the carseat, since he is too squished in the carrier.

He will sometimes give lovely mouth open, tongue out kisses on the cheek when asked and can finally use his hands enough to put his paci back in his mouth and hold his bottle.

He wears size 9-12 month clothing, smiles often and easily and for the most part, is still a pretty content and easy baby… especially if he doesn’t have to be wearing pants 😉

 

It just so happened that one week and one day after Lakes welcome into the world, a lady we know who happens to be an amazing photographer, was coming out to take photos of my sisters little people and as I was around, I got to join in on it.

Meaning I got some amazing photos of, and with, our fairly newborn son ☺️

She did a wonderful job, giving cues, directing poses and delivering the beautifully edited images speedily. I was in turn reassured with the fact that I’d forever have a reliable photographer on hand ☺️

So, happy 6 months to my already ‘not so little anymore’, little person and thank you to Talitha Rinas Photography for capturing some of his first days here 🖤

Talitha Rinas Photography

 

A ‘Rash-ional’ Recollection Of Post Babe Peculiarities

Though I can’t really give you great details as to what exactly happened/was felt on what day (that’s all totally gone and lost from the memory bank) I will detail (some in a semi discrete way of detailing) a few ‘things’ about what I and my person have experienced after having given birth to this blob 🤪

During the first days of that first week home, evenings were weird.
I realized I was probably overtired and dealing with a lot of hormonal things going on but for some reason, during the day I’d feel pretty good and ‘with it’ and then as soon as it started to get dark outside, the feelings got heavy.
It felt sad and lonely and scary inside the house…probably outside too but I didn’t find that out 🤪
It didn’t feel like there was any place for good feelings.
Not as in baby blues or a dislike of Lake or myself, just ALLLL the emotions of the day and the thoughts of facing the upcoming night, (though he was sleeping pretty decently) felt like a weight falling on me with the setting of the sun.
I felt like I couldn’t get enough light in the house and the realness of having a little life to care for became really, real.
The tears came nearly nightly for 3-4 four nights.

The patience with the husband was nearly non existent 😬

I found out I had burst blood vessels in both my eyes (most likely due to pushing) after my sister seen and told me.
I showed my mom and you’d think she would never have been able to be in the room with me WHILE I gave birth, by her repulsed reaction 😂

I’m bottle feeding Lake, so you can fill in the blanks as to why cabbage leaves and ibuprofen had to be purchased 4 days in 🤪
That was … different. Gravity didn’t exist and I don’t ever need/want to pay for the effects that were imitated… if you catch my drift 😂 If you don’t, too bad because I’m not going to explain 🙈

One nice-ish thing about being pregnant, was that I didn’t have more than one zit, for 9 months 😳
But that came back in a smattering of little pimples and an extremely, desert dry face 😬

Clinical strength deodorant had to be purchased to deal with a change of those hormones and extra strength meds were bought to combat the daily headaches, which began a couple weeks in and then lasted 5 weeks or so.

The doctor said the headaches were most likely caused from holding Lake so much and the way it twists your neck/shoulders, especially if you are prone to using one arm more than the other, which I am. His recommendations for relief were time, hydration and stretching.

I had some MAJOR baby brain.
If thinking coherent thoughts were represented by bouncy balls in baskets, all my baskets were thrown in the air and the bouncy balls were ricocheting off every single surface, not to be caught 🤪

I was forgetting stuff and also having trouble formulating thoughts and making decisions on new things, without feeling like the bouncy ball thoughts were also going to start exploding, along with their unstoppable bouncing 🙈

It has mostly revised itself… I think 🤓

A couple days post birthing him, my muscles began to feel very strained when I’d move around…my arms and neck having that same lingering feeling as your leg has after a bad Charlie horse.
That lasted a few days but the sore upper abdominal muscles/ribs when using them in specific movements, lingered for a good 9 weeks.

Haven’t had enough information yet?

Let’s talk rashes 🤓

During the following days of being home, the stretch marks on my stomach were a bit itchy but I tried to ignore it best I could.
Come Thursday the 22nd, I gave them a good, hard, relieving, amazing feeling scratch… and so it began. A rash then began to appear on my stomach and I figured it was just due to the extensive scratching.
During the day it progressively worsened and spread to my limbs and hands and come end of day, my face, ears, legs and feet, including the bottoms of my feet, were all rash ridden.

The itching was insane. I was able to call my doctor and get some cream for the husband to bring home and I applied that liberally and tried not to scratch.
The next day it was even worse. The desire to shred my skin off has never been so strong and writing about it, is almost making me get itchy again 😅
The sister mixed up some essential oils she’d read to try online and brought them over in the morning and then I went over to her house that afternoon to try an oatmeal bath. It eased it minimally while IN the bath but the gentle pat dry with a towel afterword, pretty much reawakened whatever it had calmed.

And it just got worse.

Come evening, I was standing trying to get up the courage to apply the cream, clenching my fists and teeth so hard I was quivering and near tears due to the current itch strength and the thought of having to touch my skin and make the itch even worse.

Via ‘the google’, it seemed like PUPPPs but that’s typically something gotten before the babe is born.

 

Come Saturday I went into the walk-in clinic and got some stronger meds.
The doctor said it seemed like a reaction to something and asked if I’d changed anything at home but Lake was the only thing I could think of 🤪 He then asked if I had a husband home to help, because the night time meds would knock me out and the day time ones could almost make me feel squirrelly 🥴🤪

Whatever they were… they worked 🙌🏻

Praise. The. Lord.
Seriously. I don’t know how to explain the itch properly or how a person would handle it DURING pregnancy when you’d have all the discomforts of pregnancy to add to it 😳😖😰
The meds took care of it within a couple of days and after that, any other post Lake body happenings, seemed pretty bearable 😅

I still feel a little paranoid when I get a strong random itch but besides that I think I’m pretty much back to my normal 🤪

I do believe that pretty much covers the most apparent and perhaps slightly unexpected, side effects I experienced after having had a baby.  Though most of these occurrences are ones I didn’t read or hear about before hand, when I was looking up what to expect after having a baby.

So I hope you found this enlightening, insightful or at least entertaining at my expense 🤪

If you had any unexpected side effects of having a baby and are willing to divulge, I’d love to hear about them! 🤪

I do believe I’m now out of the immediate danger zone for experiencing anymore overly weird bodily things in relation to this, so in ending the topic, I now leave you with this, the sincerest of wishes…

‘May you never itch, as I have itched’. 😂

The ‘Firsts’ Of Many!

Well, I never thought it would take me over 9 weeks to write a blog post about daily life 😅🙈

That being said, let’s just dive right in to this overview of Lakes first week home!

No pun intended 😜

16th – (The evening)

I finally opened up the gifts that had been left on the kitchen island! My sisters ‘new mom’ care package consisted of celebratory sparkling grape juice, a confetti birthday cake for Lake 😉 a starbucks gift card, travel coffee mug, hair masks and facial oil ❤ There was also a bag containing some sherbet colored tie-dye pj’s from the hubby 😉

The first NIGHT home with Lake, was horrendous 😣

It felt so wrong to have him in his own crib in his room, so we made up a makeshift bed beside ours and thus began the night of zero sleep for mommy 😬😜

‘Is that a normal noise or a not normal noise? Why is there no noise?’ and so the questions went, running through a very alert, yet at the same time very over-tired brain 😬
Fairly normal I’m sure but also SO exhausting and morning was pleasantly welcomed… just, very groggily 😬

17th –

Mike had went to work, so I had my first morning at home with the babe. I ate one of the blueberry bran muffins the sister-in-law had dropped off the day before and was super thankful for that easy and tasty way to begin the day… accompanied by a confetti cupcake from the sister for balancing out the health levels😉
Slowly trying to tidy the house between feedings, changings, swaddling and just trying to figure him out, as well as managing my own aches and pains, is what filled my morning.

My mom stopped by on her way to town later in the morning and after I tried to talk with her and had a tired (little😉) hormonal cry, she dropped me off at to my sisters and I ended up being there for the remainder of the day.

The process of getting ready to go to her house took much, MUCH longer than it ever had before and I still felt very unprepared 😅
I had to get dressed, feed and dress the babe, pack some stuff so I could have a bath there as we don’t have a tub and then try to pack up the diaper bag too. Although none of those tasks should be tricky, my brain function wasn’t at an all time high after having had roughly 8 hours of sleep over the previous three nights 🤪

I had a quick bath (as I still abhor baths) and changed into actual semi publicly acceptable clothes and was then treated to a yummy fried eggs and toast brunch before going to take a nap in the sisters room, whilst she babysat.

I slept for 2, VERY wonderful hours and probably could have continued but figured I shouldn’t 🤪

Next, I was served a tasty fruit smoothie and then she and I traded shoulder rubs.
I was served a healthy and delicious supper of spaghetti squash with blackened chicken and tomato sauce, as Mike was working a long day and wouldn’t be home for supper anyways.

My day there ended with a coffee and newly brightened outlook on life, after having been served all day 💗

We put Lake in his room that night and it was a much better sleep for us all.
His room is literally just a few steps across from ours and with the doors open, there is more than enough nearness to be aware of his needs 😉
It still felt a little wrong… knowing that he’d only known a warm, dark, comfy and noisy place up till this point in his life, where he now lay all alone in a ‘big’ empty bed 🤪🙈

18th –

It was a very pretty morning that awaited me prior to Lakes breakfast feeding ☺️

Mike went into town to take care of a few things and I tried to finish cleaning up the house, give Lake a little wash cloth bath and get myself ready for the health nurses visit.

Mike was back at the house before they arrived that afternoon.
One asked me questions about my recovery etc. while the other looked over Lake.

It took three try’s to weigh him, during which on the third try he went #1 and #2 on their scale🤪

Besides a bit of a rash under his one arm, he was looking good and we just had to try to not keep him too warm and air out his little pit/put some rash cream on it for a few days.

A call with Oma Inge gave us some more tips on how to care for it as well 👍🏻

A family photo was snapped since we looked semi put together… note the vacuum behind us though 🤪

Thanks to a reminder from a friend, I actually snapped a picture of just myself and Lake later that day, not really having thought to do that up to that point.

19th –

I took a picture of his fuzzy little ears, wanting to document them before the hair went away, as there are few opportunities in life where hairy ears, are considered cute 🤪🙈

(Even here, they are almost verging on creepy more than cute 🤪 )

Mike hung out around home for a little bit before he went to Saskatoon to buy a vehicle 🤪

I then went to the parents house for dinner/the evening.
Where Lake enjoyed a leg massage via grams 🤪

Mike came there with the new vehicle and informed us that it was MY and Lakes car… cause I drive so much 😂
But whatever 😉💁🏻‍♀️

New baby, new car… typical Mike 😏

Once home, there was some laundry to be tended to before bed 🤪

20th –

We stayed home and listened to a sermon that Sunday and then actually had some family friends over for lunch ☺️
Sundays can feel long when spent at home after a Saturday at home too, I was feeling fine, Mike was going to grill and they wanted to meet Lake asap, so it all worked out perfectly 😉

Beside the fact that our guest insisted on bringing the salad and dessert, so I didn’t have a whole lot to take care of preparation wise 🤪

We spent the afternoon visiting with them, the sister and her littles came over too around the dessert portion of the day and the husbands went to look at an acreage that Mike had seen was for sale and we’d taken a look at before Lake was born.

Atlas was caught by Mike, sneaking a peek at the babe in his room 😏

21st-

Monday brought with it some beautiful weather that needed to be taken advantage of 😄
So, after Mom came over and helped me give Lake another bath, we bundled him up for his first ‘walk’.

It was most definitely a slower walk then we’d went on pre Lake, every bump and jostle seeming like it must feel as though there was an earthquake in the stroller seat for the babe🙈

After we completed our walk, we enjoyed some of the creamy potato soup my dear friend had left with me the day before ☺️🙌🏻

Atlas was found asleep in Lakes crib, multiple times.

The funny thing is that prior to Lake being in the house with us, she had zero interest in his room.
It had been finished and ready, door open, for weeks. During which she never went in it but after laying Lake in his bed for half an hour or so the first day we were home, she was later found asleep in his crib.
Attempting to reclaim her territory I would presume 😬😅

22nd –

My friend who moved to Ontario was back visiting and had a chance to come make Lakes acquaintance ☺️ She MADE him this thick, cozy blanket and putting aside the face he is making, he loved it I’m certain 😉

I somehow did more socializing and being ready to see people and having a clean house in Lakes first week of life, then any of the months before he was born 🤪
It was so nice to be able to see her though, since if she hadn’t happened to be visiting, it would most likely have been some time before she’d get to see him.

The health nurses called to check up on me and the babe again, just making sure all was still going well, which thankfully, it was ☺️

This doesn’t really detail the many night wakings and general emotions that also occurred during this first week but perhaps a post on those ‘pleasantries’, shall follow 🤓

Preparing For Departure

 

Well, Baby H came into the world at 1:41 am on Tuesday, September 15th, 2020.

He got to snuggle with his daddy and Grams and I for a little while before they took him for his first official check up. The nurse walked away with him, whispering sweet words and promises of singing to him the whole walk to the nursery 😉

We slowly got relocated in our new room around 4:00 am and there’s a photo of Mom and Mikes McDonald’s on my phone, so I guess Mike must have went out and got some food for us all before Mom headed home but I don’t remember that 🤪

Baby was wheeled back into our room around 5:00 am and they were going to leave him with us, after very briefly and abruptly saying where the bottles and diapers were in his bassinet. We quickly asked if he could stay in the nursery and luckily he could.
They left him for half an hour of snuggles and then took him at 5:30 am.

It was then, that we finally got to go to sleep.
Luckily Mike and I got our own beds too 🤪👍🏻

(I was surprised at the lack of instruction the nurse offered about feeding, burping etc. thinking if we were people who’d never been around kids much, it would have been extremely daunting to be told next to nothing and just being left in charge of a little life.)

I awoke by 7:30 a.m. and they brought baby, and breakfast, by 8:00 am.

Mich jumped into the role of attentive dad and took care of baby the whole morning 🖤 Feeding, changing and soothing him, so I could eat my cereal.
Water retention/ swelling was a real thing that I was experiencing. My rings being very much stuck on my fingers and my eyes feeling more closed than open 😑

Between nurses coming in to check on us, food trays being cleared, trying to stay semi on top of all the messages coming in, and stressing out about choosing a name for baby H, I finally got to freshen up and take a breather and a bath, around noon.
While I did that, the babe was introduced to his Dutch grandparents via FaceTime 😉🖤

Next on the phone were his great grands and then his Canadian grandpa came for an in person visit after that!

Mom understandably stayed home that day to recover from her coaching job 😉👍🏻

The sister then wrote that she’d be coming in to see us and we placed an order for some Tim Hortons soup and bagels, though my appetite hadn’t been overly strong at all.

What followed was very disappointing and annoying… she texted us to say that security was telling her she wasn’t allowed up due to the nurses in the maternity ward saying it wasn’t allowed.
Mike went and tried to ask in person if she could come in and the new nurse on shift told him no.
So then I walked to see Pro, get our food and see what exactly was up.
I then walked back to the nurses station to ask why she wasn’t allowed in, when literally 30 minutes before I’d asked visiting rules to make sure of the restrictions and I had been told I could have up to two visitors at any time, not necessarily family, so long as they’d have masks on.
I was told that I’d been given incorrect information 😬

So, babe stayed with daddy so I could visited with her for about an hour in the lobby.

Then I went back to my room to eat my first real food of the day at 3:30.

Between trying to solidify our name decision, freshen up, paperwork, nurses, baby tending, guests or lack of, phone calls, etc… I was exhausted, had walked over 4,500 steps, been up doing stuff more than laying down and I desperately wanted a nap but never got one 😬

Mike left for home around 8 p.m or so, thinking he’d be more rested if he stayed there and thinking the nurses would take the babe in the nursery again.

Unfortunately, the new night nurse wasn’t the most enthusiastic about tending to my offspring and said she’d take him for a little bit after his check up at 12:00 a.m. since he’d have his 48 hour check at 1:41 a.m. 😬  So due to my med schedule etc. I ending up staying up waiting for her to come take him and bring my meds but she came late, forgot my meds and then only took him for a few hours, returning him at 4:00 a.m. Resulting in another very short, interrupted night for me 🤪

Wednesday –

By 8:00 a.m., the doctor had come and given us the okay to be discharged, Mike had come in from home and our child’s name was finally and officially, decided 😅

Thus,’ Lake Fallan Johannes Hagenouw ‘ was readied by his father whilst I got ready and we packed up, filled out his birth certificate information and prepared to leave, after what felt like a very, very long stay 🙈

It really felt like I’d been in there for years… giving me an appreciation for those who are unfortunate enough to have to spend much of their time in there. It really felt like I went there in the summer and came out in the fall…the trees having dropped a majority of their leaves during my stay.

I’ve never before in my entire time of knowing Michiel, known him to take a corner SO slowly and cautiously while driving, as he did when we left the hospital with Lake 😂
I halfway wondered if he was even planning to turn or if he somehow hoped he could just ever so slightly adjust his straight direction in a way that would result in the correct path, because let me tell ya, I think a full cup of water on the dash would have been perfectly safe and unspilt 😉

Before we could head home, a stop had to be made at the fathers sawmill, so we could introduce the little human to his uncles before they headed off for a weekend hunting trip.

He was proudly shown and received and then packed back up into the most uncomfortable looking position in his car seat 🤪
We went on to get a couple grocery items and then finally got back home, a much changed unit from when we’d left 🤓

Lake had an introduction to be made once we got home, to Atlas, the cat 😏🤪

Lake began crying during his diaper change and Atlas’s reaction to this loud, odd new sound, was that of tense stress and confusion 😂😬
I tried to reassuringly pet her and it freaked her out, sending her running to her room downstairs 🙈

I was exhausted and feeling it hard and the houses general state of chaos was magnifying those emotions.
I was so tired I didn’t even open the gifts set up that the sister had snuck over and set up to greet me on my arrival back home as I wanted to wait until I was in a better mood to enjoy it.

 That’s telling you something, when Jess will leave an available gift, unopened 😳

Mich sent me to nap, which I managed to do for a little while and then we got to go eat dinner at the parents house. Mom had made a meal for us, as well as the sister, sister-in-law and all those littles.

All of who were more than ready to make the newest family members acquaintance 😏

Then began the first night home with Lake and our new beginning as a family of three…

Aren’t You Excited ?! A Slightly Different Perspective On Pregnancy

 

I wrote this post a few days before Lake was actually born. I then mulled over it for a chunk of time, had my husband read it and also my mom. After they had both read it, I felt like maybe they were the only ones who should read it and it didn’t need to be released ‘into the wild’. It didn’t leave the back of my mind though, even after Lake’s birth and then there were many little things that crossed my path, that felt like a continued nudge to share this.

This post by an Instagramer I follow, was one of those ‘nudges’ and even though it’s more to do with ‘after’ baby and my post is more about ‘before’, I appreciated seeing someone else with similar thoughts/feelings and willingness to share about it.

@Darylanndenner

I will say, now that Lake is here we are thankfully all doing very well and adjusting to life as a family of three, much better than I was anticipating. Baby blues haven’t been a thing and the majority of pre-babe fears and doubts, have dissipated, for which I am very thankful. There have of course been emotional days and moments but that’s nothing unusual when introducing a baby into your life I think 😉

 

– September 10th – Written Pre The Babes Arrival –

I’ve thought about writing this off and on for like… 9 months 😬🙈 But every time I’d think about sitting down to actually do it, I’d think, ‘Nope. It’s too much. It’s not the norm. It will be taken wrong and people won’t understand. It doesn’t SOUND nice.’

Finally I just wanted to write it down so it’s out of my head because such things usually won’t exit my brain until they’ve been said or written. My husband has also told me a few times that I should just try writing it out… I’m obedient, when I want to be 🤪 This was vetted by him, as it’s been a little nerve wracking for me to post but, because I trust him, you have him to thank for reading this 🤪

Before I begin, I want to say that I TRULY wouldn’t want to hurt anyone with what I say, or bring undo pain, but I do want to show a perspective that is seen less often, from what I’ve noticed.
My hope is that by some small chance, maybe there is someone else out there who has had similar thoughts and feelings, and by seeing mine, won’t feel so singular in them.

But, in the end it is up to those who will read this, to come up with their own conclusions and thoughts, about me and mine 🤓

 

I haven’t been ‘excited’.

About what you may ask?
About the soon to be born child that we will be welcoming into our home and lives.

Yes, I talk about it, write about it, ask questions and have tried to be as prepared as possible, and no, it was not a ‘surprise’ 🤪🙈
I smile and discuss it/him, I post pictures and talk about names and outfits.

That doesn’t change the fact that it’s not a path I ever dreamed of taking though.

Ever since I can remember I have not liked, nor wanted, children.
I was never the young girl who wanted to go hold the new babies, to play with the ‘sweet and precious’ little ones, who wanted to grow up and be a mom.
The very idea of pregnancy creeped me out/sounded awful and seemed unnecessarily fawned over (Still does 🙈).

People would say, ‘Oooh, once you’re older/married you just wait and see, you’ll change your mind! 😄’. Do people typically change their mind about a food they have seriously disliked their whole life once they ‘get married’?

I think not 🤪

It wasn’t some little thing to just say to be different, it’s a for real, ingrained and felt my whole memorable life, characteristic.

That feeling has not ‘changed’ as I have aged.
It would be a whole lot easier if it would have.
We went into marriage fully aware that kids were lowest on the list of my desires.
Actually it wouldn’t BE on a list, if it was a ‘things I desired’ list 🙈
Mike on the other hand, likes kids and is fabulous with them.
They are as drawn to him, as he can be to them, and he reacts with love, fun and patience.
He knew he’d like to have kids but was also more than willing to consider a life without, if I never got on the same page.
He was supportive, loving, not at all pushy or nagging and left it up to me to broach the topic.

And so, it was indeed me, who came to him with the topic of, ‘Should we start a family?’.
I’ll honestly say it was just Gods nudging that had me even remotely THINKING about, thinking about having a kid.
Nothing else would have been able to sway my feelings on it besides feeling His persistent push towards the idea of starting a family.
It was a matter of where we were in life, what we’ve done, what we want to do and what we wanted our future to look like.

Did I actually want my future to look like baby items in my house and a little life to take care of, teach, raise and care for, for the rest of our forever? No.

Did I feel like it was what God wanted for us and a step I needed to take, trusting His leading? Yep.

Did I seriously hope we wouldn’t actually be able to have kids and that my mere willingness to think about a kid would be enough? Yes.

Did I feel guilty for having such a hope, when I know there are those who long, pray and struggle, for the very thing that so easily became a reality for us, when I didn’t even want it? Absolutely.

I didn’t cry for two days after taking the pregnancy test.
I just didn’t want to think about it.
Yet THINK about it was all I’d done for the 48 or so hours since seeing those two pink lines.
Think endlessly and tiresomely about everything and anything to do with what our future would now be.
Not happy thoughts either but thoughts of stress, worry, fear, disappointment, sadness, loss… you get the idea.
My head felt heavy and as if it would either burst or simply, achingly and possibly, just shut down.
Neither happened 😜

I know it’s (it = he = baby) what our lives need and will be exactly how it should be…but that doesn’t mean it excites me and THAT is a very hard thing to explain and not a thing you see or read when researching, ‘first trimester’, ‘ birth announcements’ etc.

Speaking of birth announcements… I dreaded ‘telling the news’.
I so disliked that people react like it’s the most blessedly wonderful thing to occur in our whole lives existence and that we/I undoubtedly feel that way too. I didn’t want to have to fake a smile and excitement but it’s not really something you can just casually NOT let people know about 😜 I didn’t want the, ‘congrats!! This is SO exciting, you must be thrilled!’ That isn’t to say I wasn’t able to appreciate such things and realize all mean well and that theirs is the typical reaction to babies.
I am well aware that it’s my reaction that is skewed.
I just couldn’t bare the thought of having to emotionally respond with positivity.
Thus, why we waited what’s considered a long time, to say anything.

Amidst all my Pinterest searching, app reading, people talking etc. (and trust me… I do a lot of pre-research when something stresses me out 😅) there wasn’t a single thing about ‘being pregnant by choice but NOT feeling overwhelming joy, excitement and love for the babe within’.

I honestly still feel no real connection to the babe… I can’t say I love him or smile upon every flutter and kick.
It’s uncomfortable.
He’s causing near constant heartburn/numbness and pain in my ribs/back, my belly is heavy and in the way of overall life-ing and I can literarily feel my skin stretching apart.

All that to say, I’ve still been blessed with a very good pregnancy.
Haven’t thrown up once, felt very little nausea and in general had no/very few of the oddities that so often attack those who are growing another person.
That doesn’t mean I’ve seen it as magical, lovely, sweet and precious or an amazing experience whatsoever though 😬
His movements still just creep my out and I feel like it’s a little unknown thing inside and I can’t at all picture ‘it’ as an actual baby, nor do I presume that I’ll miss being pregnant AT ALL.

As the day of his arrival comes ever nearer (it should actually have been yesterday due date wise🤭) it’s more trepidation that I feel than excitement.

Our lives are about to be turned upside down.
Isn’t it understandable to be a little freaked out by the fact that life’s ‘old’ normal is going out the window and the futures pretty unpredictable right now??!😅
I think so… but why is that part so rarely spoke of? 🙈

Yes, I know people say it’s the best thing ever, that we won’t be able to imagine life without him, he will be loved so fully, so immediately and so on and so forth. It’s hard trying to think of answers to those type of interactions that show socially appropriate amounts of joy and excitement, while yet being truthful about feelings that are the not at all similar.

I don’t fully doubt those sentiments either, but how come no one ever says things like, ‘It’s going to be hard but you can do it’ or ‘It’s not all magical that’s for sure, but try not to forget that there will be good times too’ and ‘I’m sure you’re feeling nervous about giving birth, I was totally scared/stressed out and don’t be worried if you’re not overwhelmed with immediate feelings of love.’?

There were many times that having the whole day to focus on the fact that I don’t have any of the ‘normal’ feelings that people on social media are displaying about the same life changing event, were mentally draining.

They speak of their ‘to be born’ babes with love, touch their belly with tender caresses and talk about how wonderful it is to feel the kicks, about how they love their baby so much and already can’t imagine life without them, how they are sure they will be best friends and just can’t wait to meet them.
How they have baby fever seeing the other newborns around, that breastfeeding is the most magically bonding experience or how they love the accessory of having a bump.

I’m not upset they feel that way…I’m a bit upset that I DON’T…that my feelings and thoughts are so opposite and thus a little isolating.

Those that know me, know I’m not good at hiding my true thoughts and feelings and though I don’t ever want or mean to come across as blunt or ‘too much’, I can’t help but feel like I’m showing a false image if I don’t say what I truly think and feel.
That’s what this is all about I guess… I’m not looking for sympathy, nor am I looking for people to tell me it’s okay.

I just want it to be known that maybe, not every person who is pregnant by choice, is living in a wonderful world of happy anticipation.

It’s very hard to get across that though my feelings are not what I’ve come to think of as ‘the usual’, I AM still grateful the baby is healthy. That I’ve had ‘an easy pregnancy’ thus far.
That Mich will be able to experience being a dad.

That even though it’s not something I’ve ever wanted and I still feel no real feelings like I think I should, I have to trust that it was God who lead us here and will continue to do so once the babe is ‘out and about’.

And that last part will probably be sooner than later.

Like, literally any day 😅

I am ‘ready’ as far as having a room and items and a supportive and helpful husband, friends and family.
I am getting pretty antsy to see who he takes after look wise and I do look forward to seeing him with Mike and visa-versa.

Am I ready to love, nurture, sacrifice, teach and comfort a wee little living being?

I don’t know that anyone ever is… but I’d appreciate any extra prayers 😜

 

I know this is a bit of a stretch from my usual ‘home makeover/DIY/recipe’ sharing, so I would really appreciate hearing from you, if this type of post interests you or if I should stick to the simple, homestyle type subjects in the future 😉

What’s In A Name…?

As many, or perhaps all of you know by now, we had a rather difficult time trying to find, agree and then settle on and confirm, a name for our small person 🙈

He didn’t have a name until his second day earth side and that caused the days following his birth to be a little ‘extra’ tiring, mentally.

I never thought I/we would be the type of people to go to the hospital NOT having a solidly picked out name but that’s what I get for thinking that I guess 🤪

I did have a girl name pretty early on that I liked a fair bit but we know what happened there 😜

So, the endless name searching and list reading ensued and the back and forth of asking each other, ‘do you like – – – – ?’.
Mike tended to like simple, possibly biblical names, or even names of relations 🤪
I did not understand why one would name ones child, the same as ones cousins and I also preferred the idea of our child having a name that wouldn’t result in his having endless acquaintances with the same name as him.

Our personal preferences made sense due to our own names though. I wanted semi unique, since growing up there were endless ‘Jessica’s’ and Mike leant towards simple, due to growing up with a name many couldn’t pronounce correctly 🤪

Oh and the name also had to preferably be able to be pronounced the same in both Dutch and English. There were a few names that did NOT sound the same, so technically you could say that helped narrow down the search I guess🤪

Mike didn’t like to pretend to use the names in sentences to get a feel for them, so that proved to be a little annoying to me 🤪
It didn’t feel natural for me to pretend to use the names either but I felt like none would feel normal  to us, unless we at least attempted to use them.
We never did end up doing that very much though.

I had hoped that during our baby-moon road trip we’d come to a solid decision but instead we just decided against one name and then added on a new one 🤪

At that point, all three names could be water related, as I mentioned prior to his birth. I will admit that one was Hudson and we eventually took it off the list, leaving us with the two that were never officially guessed by anyone, one of which we did use 😉

Finally, at two days old, babe was officially dubbed, ‘Lake Fallan Johannes Hagenouw’.

We did have the middles names chosen for awhile pre being in the hospital.

Lake was a name I read and liked fairly early on and Mike was pretty ok with it 😉 Though in the end, he did consult one esteemed (and left unnamed so we don’t show preference 😉) person to help assure him of how those in Europe would possibly react to the name, which made him feel a lot better about using it.
There was no specific reasoning or representation, aside from liking it.

Lake
/lāk/ . noun
1. A large body of water surrounded by land.
2. Geography name for an inland body of water.

Fallan was again a name I liked and brought to the Hubster. Mike also liked it and then we read the meaning and it added some meaningfully humorous representation 😜
My dads middle name is Allan, thus the spelling of F’allan’.

Fallan
Origin – Irish.

1. Granddaughter/Grandson of a rich king.
2. Superiority; descended from a ruler.
3. Leader.

Johannes is Mikes dads name, as well as his grandpas name and since Lake is the first out of 13 great grand babies to carry on the Hagenouw name, it’s seemed necessary that Johannes be carried on as well 😉👌🏻

Johannes
Pronunciation – Yohannes, Dutch: [joːˈɦɑnəs]

Origin of Johannes: Dutch, German, Scandinavian, and Estonian variation of John

1. God is gracious

So, now you have the details behind our ‘nameless for much time and then named with many names’ child. I do feel a little sorry for him when the time comes for him to learn how to spell it. 😅

We will still refer to him as ‘the baby’ when talking to each other and are getting used to using his true name. Which I don’t think is so odd, after 9 months of him being ‘the baby’ and now having only been with us for four weeks, minus two days 😉

What baby naming experiences have any of you had? Do you know anyone named Lake? We’d love to know! 😉

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