I wrote this post a few days before Lake was actually born. I then mulled over it for a chunk of time, had my husband read it and also my mom. After they had both read it, I felt like maybe they were the only ones who should read it and it didn’t need to be released ‘into the wild’. It didn’t leave the back of my mind though, even after Lake’s birth and then there were many little things that crossed my path, that felt like a continued nudge to share this.
This post by an Instagramer I follow, was one of those ‘nudges’ and even though it’s more to do with ‘after’ baby and my post is more about ‘before’, I appreciated seeing someone else with similar thoughts/feelings and willingness to share about it.
I will say, now that Lake is here we are thankfully all doing very well and adjusting to life as a family of three, much better than I was anticipating. Baby blues haven’t been a thing and the majority of pre-babe fears and doubts, have dissipated, for which I am very thankful. There have of course been emotional days and moments but that’s nothing unusual when introducing a baby into your life I think 😉
– September 10th – Written Pre The Babes Arrival –
I’ve thought about writing this off and on for like… 9 months 😬🙈 But every time I’d think about sitting down to actually do it, I’d think, ‘Nope. It’s too much. It’s not the norm. It will be taken wrong and people won’t understand. It doesn’t SOUND nice.’
Finally I just wanted to write it down so it’s out of my head because such things usually won’t exit my brain until they’ve been said or written. My husband has also told me a few times that I should just try writing it out… I’m obedient, when I want to be 🤪 This was vetted by him, as it’s been a little nerve wracking for me to post but, because I trust him, you have him to thank for reading this 🤪
Before I begin, I want to say that I TRULY wouldn’t want to hurt anyone with what I say, or bring undo pain, but I do want to show a perspective that is seen less often, from what I’ve noticed.
My hope is that by some small chance, maybe there is someone else out there who has had similar thoughts and feelings, and by seeing mine, won’t feel so singular in them.
But, in the end it is up to those who will read this, to come up with their own conclusions and thoughts, about me and mine 🤓
I haven’t been ‘excited’.
About what you may ask?
About the soon to be born child that we will be welcoming into our home and lives.
Yes, I talk about it, write about it, ask questions and have tried to be as prepared as possible, and no, it was not a ‘surprise’ 🤪🙈
I smile and discuss it/him, I post pictures and talk about names and outfits.
That doesn’t change the fact that it’s not a path I ever dreamed of taking though.
Ever since I can remember I have not liked, nor wanted, children.
I was never the young girl who wanted to go hold the new babies, to play with the ‘sweet and precious’ little ones, who wanted to grow up and be a mom.
The very idea of pregnancy creeped me out/sounded awful and seemed unnecessarily fawned over (Still does 🙈).
People would say, ‘Oooh, once you’re older/married you just wait and see, you’ll change your mind! 😄’. Do people typically change their mind about a food they have seriously disliked their whole life once they ‘get married’?
I think not 🤪
It wasn’t some little thing to just say to be different, it’s a for real, ingrained and felt my whole memorable life, characteristic.
That feeling has not ‘changed’ as I have aged.
It would be a whole lot easier if it would have.
We went into marriage fully aware that kids were lowest on the list of my desires.
Actually it wouldn’t BE on a list, if it was a ‘things I desired’ list 🙈
Mike on the other hand, likes kids and is fabulous with them.
They are as drawn to him, as he can be to them, and he reacts with love, fun and patience.
He knew he’d like to have kids but was also more than willing to consider a life without, if I never got on the same page.
He was supportive, loving, not at all pushy or nagging and left it up to me to broach the topic.
And so, it was indeed me, who came to him with the topic of, ‘Should we start a family?’.
I’ll honestly say it was just Gods nudging that had me even remotely THINKING about, thinking about having a kid.
Nothing else would have been able to sway my feelings on it besides feeling His persistent push towards the idea of starting a family.
It was a matter of where we were in life, what we’ve done, what we want to do and what we wanted our future to look like.
Did I actually want my future to look like baby items in my house and a little life to take care of, teach, raise and care for, for the rest of our forever? No.
Did I feel like it was what God wanted for us and a step I needed to take, trusting His leading? Yep.
Did I seriously hope we wouldn’t actually be able to have kids and that my mere willingness to think about a kid would be enough? Yes.
Did I feel guilty for having such a hope, when I know there are those who long, pray and struggle, for the very thing that so easily became a reality for us, when I didn’t even want it? Absolutely.
I didn’t cry for two days after taking the pregnancy test.
I just didn’t want to think about it.
Yet THINK about it was all I’d done for the 48 or so hours since seeing those two pink lines.
Think endlessly and tiresomely about everything and anything to do with what our future would now be.
Not happy thoughts either but thoughts of stress, worry, fear, disappointment, sadness, loss… you get the idea.
My head felt heavy and as if it would either burst or simply, achingly and possibly, just shut down.
Neither happened 😜
I know it’s (it = he = baby) what our lives need and will be exactly how it should be…but that doesn’t mean it excites me and THAT is a very hard thing to explain and not a thing you see or read when researching, ‘first trimester’, ‘ birth announcements’ etc.
Speaking of birth announcements… I dreaded ‘telling the news’.
I so disliked that people react like it’s the most blessedly wonderful thing to occur in our whole lives existence and that we/I undoubtedly feel that way too. I didn’t want to have to fake a smile and excitement but it’s not really something you can just casually NOT let people know about 😜 I didn’t want the, ‘congrats!! This is SO exciting, you must be thrilled!’ That isn’t to say I wasn’t able to appreciate such things and realize all mean well and that theirs is the typical reaction to babies.
I am well aware that it’s my reaction that is skewed.
I just couldn’t bare the thought of having to emotionally respond with positivity.
Thus, why we waited what’s considered a long time, to say anything.
Amidst all my Pinterest searching, app reading, people talking etc. (and trust me… I do a lot of pre-research when something stresses me out 😅) there wasn’t a single thing about ‘being pregnant by choice but NOT feeling overwhelming joy, excitement and love for the babe within’.
I honestly still feel no real connection to the babe… I can’t say I love him or smile upon every flutter and kick.
He’s causing near constant heartburn/numbness and pain in my ribs/back, my belly is heavy and in the way of overall life-ing and I can literarily feel my skin stretching apart.
All that to say, I’ve still been blessed with a very good pregnancy.
Haven’t thrown up once, felt very little nausea and in general had no/very few of the oddities that so often attack those who are growing another person.￼
That doesn’t mean I’ve seen it as magical, lovely, sweet and precious or an amazing experience whatsoever though 😬
His movements still just creep my out and I feel like it’s a little unknown thing inside and I can’t at all picture ‘it’ as an actual baby, nor do I presume that I’ll miss being pregnant AT ALL.
As the day of his arrival comes ever nearer (it should actually have been yesterday due date wise🤭) it’s more trepidation that I feel than excitement.
Our lives are about to be turned upside down.
Isn’t it understandable to be a little freaked out by the fact that life’s ‘old’ normal is going out the window and the futures pretty unpredictable right now??!😅
I think so… but why is that part so rarely spoke of? 🙈
Yes, I know people say it’s the best thing ever, that we won’t be able to imagine life without him, he will be loved so fully, so immediately and so on and so forth. It’s hard trying to think of answers to those type of interactions that show socially appropriate amounts of joy and excitement, while yet being truthful about feelings that are the not at all similar.
I don’t fully doubt those sentiments either, but how come no one ever says things like, ‘It’s going to be hard but you can do it’ or ‘It’s not all magical that’s for sure, but try not to forget that there will be good times too’ and ‘I’m sure you’re feeling nervous about giving birth, I was totally scared/stressed out and don’t be worried if you’re not overwhelmed with immediate feelings of love.’?
There were many times that having the whole day to focus on the fact that I don’t have any of the ‘normal’ feelings that people on social media are displaying about the same life changing event, were mentally draining.
They speak of their ‘to be born’ babes with love, touch their belly with tender caresses and talk about how wonderful it is to feel the kicks, about how they love their baby so much and already can’t imagine life without them, how they are sure they will be best friends and just can’t wait to meet them.
How they have baby fever seeing the other newborns around, that breastfeeding is the most magically bonding experience or how they love the accessory of having a bump.
I’m not upset they feel that way…I’m a bit upset that I DON’T…that my feelings and thoughts are so opposite and thus a little isolating.
Those that know me, know I’m not good at hiding my true thoughts and feelings and though I don’t ever want or mean to come across as blunt or ‘too much’, I can’t help but feel like I’m showing a false image if I don’t say what I truly think and feel.
That’s what this is all about I guess… I’m not looking for sympathy, nor am I looking for people to tell me it’s okay.
I just want it to be known that maybe, not every person who is pregnant by choice, is living in a wonderful world of happy anticipation.
It’s very hard to get across that though my feelings are not what I’ve come to think of as ‘the usual’, I AM still grateful the baby is healthy. That I’ve had ‘an easy pregnancy’ thus far.
That Mich will be able to experience being a dad.
That even though it’s not something I’ve ever wanted and I still feel no real feelings like I think I should, I have to trust that it was God who lead us here and will continue to do so once the babe is ‘out and about’.
And that last part will probably be sooner than later.
Like, literally any day 😅
I am ‘ready’ as far as having a room and items and a supportive and helpful husband, friends and family.
I am getting pretty antsy to see who he takes after look wise and I do look forward to seeing him with Mike and visa-versa.
Am I ready to love, nurture, sacrifice, teach and comfort a wee little living being?
I don’t know that anyone ever is… but I’d appreciate any extra prayers 😜
I know this is a bit of a stretch from my usual ‘home makeover/DIY/recipe’ sharing, so I would really appreciate hearing from you, if this type of post interests you or if I should stick to the simple, homestyle type subjects in the future 😉